This is being posted pretty late, but I want to update you on what happened. The night prep for work went well. I packed a onesie that Cara wore that day, photos I had printed, and of course photos on my phone. The morning of, I kissed her before I left the house and everything went smooth. Once I made it to work, my, I had to pull out the onesie because I deeply missed her. Now, I must admit when a friend told me to take something to smell, I did not think it would work. I initially was thinking......that's odd and I don't see how it'll smell like her because well, she doesn't have a smell. I was wrong. She has her sweet baby smell, that I clearly had gotten so used to, I didn't realize she had "a smell". Having that onesie saved me! I was able to focus and feel comforted. The other thing I realized was that I HAD TO. KNOW, what she was doing at home without me. I asked my man to send me a video and he did. I was almost in tears.
Needless to say, my first day back was a huge success. Also, I really enjoyed the break of mommy duties for a few hours.
Unfortunately, this did not last and it wasn't because I missed her too much or I just couldn't be away. Cara contracted Botulism. This is a toxic disease that damages, kills the nerve endings for the muscles. She lost the ability to poop, eat. move her limbs, and hold her head up. She was in the NICU/PICU (I had no idea there was a such thing as PICU, but it's after the newborn stage, same area though) for about a week. Thankfully we not only caught it "early" but the peditriation at the ER that night witness these symptoms before and had a strong suspicion it was Infant Botulism. He knew all the steps to take and got things in motion. This is huge because it could take days to research who to contact to verify this and to find out who needs to approve receiving the treatment. Then, the treatment must be transported to you which, is unknown how long it could take. We were extremely blessed to have the treatment only 2 hours away and brought to us that same night. It was a costly treatment to say the least, but again we were blessed to have it covered AND have a dear friend set up a GoFundMe account. We had no idea it would be covered when this was done. However, we incurred late fees on passed due bills, upcoming bills to pay, purchasing new bottles with nipple sizes (not included) to accommodate Cara as she had to relearn how to eat and the bottles we had were too difficult for her. besides the physical aspect of this, it took a huge emotional toll on us. For me, it took a couple of months for me to relax.
I did return to work again after Cara was getting better, about a month later. I was less enthusiastic about it this time around, but we needed to pay bills and I had deadlines to meet and work to fix. This time around, I have a different outlook on my life and value my family time much more. Day 1 of returning to work, there are 2 colleagues that stood out to me. These 2 colleagues were immature gossipers with a touch of racism that I just could no longer take any longer. I was fed up and annoyed, But I was still there, to do my work. Cara fell ill again so I stayed home to care for her. I think it was just a 24 hour bug or something, I honestly can't recall what it was, but she wasn't sleeping well and thankfully she didn't have a temperature so I just snuggled her and stayed home.
At this time, I'm thinking perhaps its not meant for me to return to work. At least not there. I'm fed up with the operation and the mentality there that I just can't continue working there and not having arguments.
So here we are. I have no job and not much savings. What the heck am I going to do??? Well, I work like a mad woman on my dream job, helping people and sign up for instacart and postdates. It's not terrible work and postmates I really enjoy because its quick and super easy to have Cara with me.e Instacart is okay, much more involved and a hassle if you have a little one, but they work!
Lastly, returning to work is hard! Its a mental challenge when you truly love being around your family, BUT it's also a nice break when you need it!
We are so unique and have our own journey that can be eye opening, healing, and maybe cause us to need extra help. All of these are okay and normal.
Comment and share your story!