Originally created July 2019
Tomorrow I return to work after 4 months of maternity leave. I've dreaded this day since I began maternity leave. Currently, my emotions are, sadness and heartbreak. My employer is over 50 miles away from my home and the thought of being that far away breaks my heart and the thought of not being here when she wakes up, breaks my heart even more.
Did I try to find another job.....not really. I started looking for gigs on craigslist, but I never contacted anyone. I just didn't want to. I also, didn't feel like putting in the time to make sure they were legit. Before, I had a child, I took more risk in that area, but after having my baby girl, its a bit more difficult to bring myself to hope these people are legit and just go for it.
Tonight, I prepare for an early start to joining the commuters, with a heavy heart. Somehow, I feel as if I am betraying her by leaving and not being home to be with her. I have no doubt she will be fine and happy with daddy. That's not the issue. It's just me and my emotions. Now, let me also say that, I do have a business. I whole heartily hoped it would be successful enough for me to be home with my babygirl for at least her first year. That is not the case. I did not prepare very well for this to unfold as I desired. As I take a deep breathe, typing away on here, I am reminded that I do need a break. Yes! I do. I've been here every single day and collectively only been away from her 6 hours. It never bothered me to be the one to stay home and care for her, not one bit.
What I plan to do to make it through the day, cry. Yup! I plan to cry it out on my way to work and to be prepared to turn the car around! I will not lie, I will not tell myself not to return home if I feels so distraught. However, I have envisioned myself, at the office, talking to my GM and co-workers, smiling, talking about my little one, etc. Apparently, that's supposed to help.........we shall see. The other thing I will do is picking out photos tonight and taking them with me. Lastly, I will have compassion for myself. Who knows, if this will work. This will be a "to be continued" situation. A part 2 on how I survived.