Updated: Feb 16
Growing up I did not have a "father figure". I did have my older brothers, who were learning about life and relationships themselves. My mother worked long hours, even on weekends. I would come to learn it was OT- overtime. With a couple unsuccessful relationships, she decided to take a break and wait until it was the right time.
Some would say that I was a late bloomer, I did not date. I didn't know how to be a girlfriend, how would I? I didn't even know what it meant. I played sports throughout middle school and high school. The way I saw it, I was too busy, I was not conformable with my body do talk about sex, and in no way, was that ever going to happen. During the end of my senior year, it turned out that I was ready to have a boyfriend. It was short lived once I joined the U.S. Navy. I returned home during a the holiday break and I no longer found interest in my boyfriend, the romance was non-existent.
Moving on from that, the rest of my relationships were toxic. These boys did not treat me with respect, more so just like a naive, immature girl that they can do and say what they want to. Honestly, I was okay with it and not okay with it. I just didn't have a clue how to be, where my confidence was, what to expect, and so on. I let them lead and although, I knew I deserved better, it remained a mystery as to how to get it.
After my most recent tumultuous relationship that ended in 2016, I began a journey to be better, select better, and know better. This particular relationship lasted about three and half years, on and off. It began with uncertainty and excitement. The first year was filled with "red flags"........spaced out so I couldn't connect the dots easily. You may wonder, why stay when you noticed red flags? That's easy to answer. Right before I reconnected with this guy I was on this high of life, making new friends, taking new journeys, try new things and never judge people as they are on their own unique journey.
When we met I was familiar with him because we worked together and for a short stint were roommates in a house with a total of 5-7 people. I was curious if the saying was true about successful relationships with those you have a long history with so, I went with it. I mean, why not? What do I have to lose? If it works how awesome, if it doesn't then I move on. Of course, he had flaws, was mysterious, a caring and loving father, raising his kid on his own with help from his mother and in a relationship that he wasn't happy in.
Months passed as we'd hangout and enjoy our time together. I would find out that he lied about his relationship status and everything came to a halt. Yes, of course I was hurt and devestated, but told him to never contact me. That didn't happened, so we "talked it out", which means, more lies that I was blinded to, which then......yes you got it, lead to reconnecting and continuing on with our "relationship". I would soon move in with him (about a year later) and thats when things became "terrible".
Why put up with any of this? Especially for so long?
Simple. I fell for him then, felt guilty for "being the cause of his divorce". Yes, you got it. He was married before I started talking with him and I had no clue until I was leaving him and I found the divorce documents. (That's a whole another story). All the things I did were out of guilt (some things are not listed here). I was manipulated in numerous ways that I felt trapped in a cave with one way out and all the paths lead to a dead end.
I finally woke up and was done taking crap. I was done being a door mat and I was done allowing him to treat me how I was being treated. I knew I was worth more and needed to value myself. I left. Never returned. Never. Once I left and a couple weeks passed, I knew I needed to stop attracting guys that were not respecting and valuing me. But how? I reached out to some amazing friends who were powerhouses. From there I was able to realize how far back this goes. Every partner in my past was like him, not to this extend, but had the same traits and characteristics. I thought to myself "wow, I've been doing this a long time. I just can't anymore. This has to stop, I'm exhausted."
Fast forward, I did the work (it was painful, freeing, and beautiful) and I was able to build myself up, know my worth and attract the person that I will grow with and create a healthy family with.
How did this happen? I did tons of researching to find the best way to heal, grow and be whole again. I chose to approach this healing differently than I ever had before. Throughout the next 3-6 months, I changed my diet, and did a lot of activities outdoors. Nature is all curing, as well as, working out, yoga, meditation, etc. I chose to travel, try new things, build deeper relationships with current friends, and so on. The thing here is just doing something different and saying yes! Yes to hangout, yes to myself, yes to loving me, yes to doing the impossible.
After the 6th month, I would take a deeper look into my life and sit in groups for healing. Taking the road to reveal childhood trauma to understand why and how my past relationships were the same type (the relationship previous to the one mentioned above were similar). There were different variations, with each having its own healing properties, but all long lasting effects.
Once I felt ready for a partner, I called him in. I wasn't 100% healed or unflawed. What I was, was armed with tools to handle just about any situation that came my way, I was confident, I knew my worth, I held myself to higher standards. I was ME. After moving through the clouds, I found ME and enhanced myself.
The one I called in, has been the absolute perfect one for me and through effective communication in the beginning of the relationship (something I learned through my healing process) we were able to figure out how to be individuals in a relationship and be a unit. We have built a healthy relationship by breaking the cycle of our parents. This allowed me to feel safe and secure. Now we have a little girl, boy and 3 dogs. Full house.